Our 565 Service is here to provide support for parents navigating the challenging journey of supporting children during pre and post-bereavement.
This page has guidance and resources to help support your child through this difficult time.
Telling your child(ren) that you or someone else is unwell can be very daunting, particularly if you are still processing this news yourself.
It is natural to want to protect them from difficult news, to avoid them becoming upset. However, children can often sense when something isn’t quite right.
Therefore, being honest and communicating with them can help them understand what is going on and be more prepared for changes that may happen as a consequence of a loved one being unwell.
Difficult news is best coming from someone that is close to the child, such as a parent, family member or close family friend.
If you have children at different ages, you may wish to tell them separately. If you do tell your children together, ensure you spent some 1:1 with them after, allowing them to ask any questions and talk about their feelings.
Talk to them in a quiet space, away from distractions.
Younger children may engage better in conversation if doing something such as drawing or painting while talking. Try not to tell them before bedtime, as they may then have trouble sleeping afterwards.
Telling your child during the weekend may give them a little time to take in some of the information before returning to school.
Try to use simple language and avoid euphemisms as this may be confusing to the child.
If you are using medical terms such as ‘tumour,’ be prepared that your child might not understand what this means and you may need to explain it.
Try to be as honest as possible in an age appropriate way. Try not to offer any false hope as this can lead to confusion and disappointment.
Ask questions afterwards to ensure that they have understood the information. Younger children may need information to be repeated.
Acknowledge that it is okay to feel however they may be feeling. Some children and young people may not want to talk about their emotions with their parents. Let them know that it is okay to reach out to others too.
Younger children can often have ‘magical thinking’ and may believe that that their loved one is unwell due to something they have done.
It is also not uncommon for them to think that they may catch the illness like a cold.
Offer reassurance that there is nothing they have done to cause the illness, and there is no way that they can catch it.
Reach out to family and friends. Speak to your child’s school so that they can ensure that the right support is available to your child in school.
Once children have been told about their loved ones illness, try to maintain routine where possible as this can help make their world feel more predictable.
Keep them informed of any changes and spend some 1:1 time with them where possible, allowing them to share their feelings and any worries. Spend time trying to capture memories.
Should your child ask questions that are difficult to answer, it is okay to let them know that you don’t have the answer to all of them, but you will get back to them.
Here are some examples of things that children may ask, and some suggestions on how to answer:
You could respond with an answer such as, “It is hard to know exactly when they will die, but the doctors think it could be soon (days, weeks, months). Until then, the doctors and nurses will continue to look after them and make them feel as comfortable as possible.
You could reply with “when someone dies, their body stops working. Their heart stops beating and they stop breathing. They do not feel any pain. Once they die, they will not come back to life again.
It is common for children to worry about their own health or the health of others around them.
Explain that their loved ones illness cannot be caught and that most people will die when they are much older.
If the person who is expected to die plays a significant caring role to the child, they may worry about what will happen to them.
Where possible involve them in the planning and discussions around the changes that will happen.
There is no ‘right thing’ to say, only what is ‘good enough’ based on their age and level of understanding.
Sometimes ‘good enough’ is simply a case of telling them the facts of the situation and then sitting with them so they know you are there and letting them start the conversation.
Here are some tips to help:
Try to make sure the environment is right. Make sure there are no distractions (such as phones or TV) and a safe place (at home where possible), with something to help express feelings (perhaps a bear to cuddle or a ball to kick).
It could be drawing, walking, a long car journey or anything else that keeps hands busy while the mind is thinking.
Their expression of emotion may change over time. They may not react initially but then cry or get angry later, they may even laugh. This is all perfectly normal.
Talking about death is as much about listening as it is about telling.
Never force your child to talk though. Just let them know you are there when they want to.
Children often have their own views and questions which are best answered as honestly as possible. If you do not know the answer, tell them you don’t know but that you will share with them when you do. Never make promises you cannot keep.
Try not to use euphemisms or slang as this can lead to some confusion, e.g. telling a child that a loved one has ‘gone to sleep’ may give the impression that they will wake again.
Equally using medical terms may also be just as confusing, e.g. telling a child a loved one had a tumour without explaining what it is may lead them to think they can catch it, like a cold.
The best way to support your child(ren) following a loss is to provide affection, comfort and a space to talk about their feelings when they are ready.
They may come to you at odd times of the day, often when you are busy with other tasks. If that happens, assure them that it is ok to talk about things and agree an appropriate time of day to sit properly to talk it through. Try not to leave it too long though.
Younger children may not have the words to express how they are feeling, so try drawing or playing with toys and puppets as a way of exploring emotions and understanding loss.
In the teen years, young people make attempts to move away from relying on parents for support, you may find they don’t talk about their emotions as much as they had done previously.
Teenagers may spend more time talking to their friends about how they are feeling, away from parents. They may also search out information on the internet rather than turn to adults for answers to questions.
Do not be afraid to share your own feelings, children learn by modelling the behaviour of adults around them. By letting your own feelings out, you give your child(ren) ‘permission’ to share their own. However, if you feel your emotions are becoming overwhelming we suggest you find support from friends and family, or contact the bereavement team at the hospice to talk about it.
You may find that your children ‘jump’ in and out of their grief, spending time focused on thinking about their loss followed by periods of living their normal life; playing with siblings, watching television, staying active and having fun. This is a completely normal way of children coping with their emotions.
Anxiety is a normal feeling to experience after loss or when a loved one is unwell.
Younger children may not always have the words or understanding to express when they are feeling upset, worried or anxious. You may however notice some signs which may include:
Apps for helping anxiety:
FearTools: Provides information on anxiety and some ideas for ways to improve.
SAMapp: An anxiety app with information and ways to track you feeling anxious.
Worrytime: This app allows you to write down worries on your mind and put aside a short period where can think about them
PanicShield: Centred on information on what panic is and different ways in which you can expose yourself to what makes you panic.
MindShift: Pick scenarios you would like help with, improve thought patterns, and get information on anxiety in general.
Breathe: An app to help lower your heart rate and the physical symptoms of anxiety
Nelson’s Journey: It provides an interactive tool to record memories, send gifts and write thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Books can be a great way to help explain death and dying and can be an opening point to further discussion.
Watch our video with Sam for her recommendations and see additional titles below:
When a child experiences the loss of a loved one, they may respond in many different ways, reactions to loss can include:
These are all very normal reactions; for some children they last longer than others, some experience all of these things, other only few. Try not to measure how your child is coping by comparing them to other family members or friend’s reactions.
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